Psalm 143: 1-8, 10
“Hear my prayer, O Lord; give ear to my supplications! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness! Enter not into judgment with your servant; for no man living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued me; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead. Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old, I meditate on all that you have done; I muse on what your hands have wrought. I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Make haste to answer me, O Lord! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the Pit. Let me hear in the morning of your merciful love, for in you I put my trust. Teach me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good spirit lead me on a level path!”
I know that was a little longer verse than normal but bear with me. So much of it speaks so much that I just couldn’t shorten it any this time.
Have you ever prayed so long and so hard to God for something that your soul feels thirsty? It has that dry, cotton ball feeling like your mouth gets when you are parched. You realize “His will be done” but there is just something in you that keeps asking because you just keep hearing “Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?” (Matthew 7:7-10).
I’ve felt the darkness in the waiting recently. It’s exhausting. If you have felt this before, you know what I mean and you understand what it can do to your overall health and wellbeing. You begin to feel it spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. You long to see His face, you beg Him for some sign that He is in fact working so that you can be a little more assured in the waiting. In this desolation, we are advised in the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises, to remember His consolation; Remember “the days of old…on all that you have done”. Remember how He has been with us in the past and answered our prayers before, in His time, not ours. We pray for Him to direct our steps, lead us on the path to Him and trust in His ways. But this is always easier said than done, right? We all too often get antsy; we run out of patience and take matters into our own hands and then justify our actions. (I’m speaking from personal experience here 😉)
I love how this Psalm reflects the flip-floppedness (not sure if that is a word..LOL) of our hearts. This psalmist realizes he is not worthy to be asking and laments to God in the darkness and in the waiting. Then briefly he seems to come to the truth that our hands are stretched out to Him to receive whatever He gives in His time and then quickly becomes impatient again, almost even complaining. He asks God to answer him and then flips again to putting his trust in God and lifts his soul to God, asking Him to lead him on the way and to do His will. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like he changes his mind a lot.
To me that is so reassuring because that is the sound of my prayer. I promise God my steadfastness and my patience and my perseverance and then the enemy sneaks in. I begin to doubt, and I become discouraged. I realize I have given attention to the enemy and his lies. His pursuit has caught up with me and I mistake the desolation for God hiding from me instead of me not searching for Him.
I honestly forget all the ways He has shown up in the past. Isn’t this all too indicative of life today. Although many of us spend so much time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, we don’t spend much time in the moment, cherishing the past. I remember looking at photo albums growing up. I loved looking through pictures of my family and seeing how I have changed and grown. I don’t think we do that much anymore. Photo albums (the physical ones, not the ones on our phones) are almost relics. I think there is something to be gained when we take the time to pause every now and then, look back over our lives and see God in the memories. I’d like to believe He is a part of my physical photo album, a picture bound to the pages and not a social media reel that is recognized in the moment but forgotten as soon as the post is scrolled past.
I believe this is where the memory of His goodness, faithfulness, mercy and love steps in. It is in remembering that we see His face. It is in the remembering that we once again walk on the path of patience and perseverance and trust in His will. And although our prayers may still not have been answered, our spirits are lifted and there is a certain peace again within our mind, body and soul.
So, if you are fighting any doubt or discouragement in your life, remember these are not words from our loving Father but rather from the enemy. Our Father longs to sit and wait with us. He wants to hear our cries, pleas, prayers and petitions. When He seems distant and not listening is precisely when He is the closest to us, listening to our hearts and doing the deepest work in us.
Lifting you in prayer & Trusting in His care –
Christine